When I went home, I was hoping that I would be able to put some things in perspective.
I was hoping to learn something that would change my perspective or show me how to be happy again. Because I had a really tough couple of months and it felt like no matter what I tried, I couldn't be happy.
I broke up with Mike because I knew that I couldn't expect him to make me happy.
I had to figure out how to be happy without him before I could be happy with him.
And so while I was in the Tri-Cities for Christmas break I had a revival. A revival of body, mind, and most importantly, spirit.
So here are the things that I learned while I was at home, and though I was hoping to find out something new about myself and what to do with my life, I was truly surprised by how much I learned.
*Adults are pretty cool. I had a shortage of friends to hang out with while at home, so I ended up going out with my mom, Maria, Keri and others. And it was amazingly fun. Grownups are neat.
*Cookies can be as much fun to bake as to eat.
*I don't have as many friends as I thought I did, but I like the ones I have.
*Parents at high school sports care more about the game than the students. And I didn't know it, but that includes me.
*I have a tendency to not think deep thoughts when I am listening to music. And when I got my IPod a while ago, I began to listen to music whenever I would do menial tasks such as walking, riding the bus, typing and such at work, etc. And because I would listen to music, I wouldn't come up with my own feelings, but rather take those from the songs I listened to and use them as my own thoughts. But I can't rely on other people to decide how I feel and what I want.
*I am not able to know what I'm thinking when I'm not able to write it down. Writing allows me to not only sort my thoughts out, but also to remember them. I should write more.
*My sisters are getting older, which is really scary to me. Jackie is almost the same age I was when I met Mike. And I don't want to sound old fashioned or cliché or any other number of things, but I truly hope that they don't start dating for a few more years. From the viewpoint of someone who started dating someone when barely 16, and continued to date them for over five years, it's just so hard. That is the time of your life when you are trying to figure out who you are, and it makes it twice as hard to do that when you're trying to figure yourself out and figure the other person out while they are trying to find out who they are too. It's frustrating. And unnecessarily so.
But that's not my main reason for discouraging dating early. I have the personal belief that two people should not get married until they are grown up. It's irresponsible to a) get into debt early over a wedding because you can't support yourself, and b) one should know what they want out of life before the pledge it to another person. I can say from experience that I have changed exponentially in the last five years. Does that mean I love Mike less? No, not at all. But we have grown and changed together. But in some cases people change and grow apart, and won't know which will be their case. And sometimes when young people get married, they settle. They settle for the other person, they settle for less education, less life experience of traveling or living in another city or settle for a different life than they are capable of. Some people like a life of little college education and popping out babies, but I think it's selling yourself short when that's the only option you give yourself.
I will say that I have had many wonderful moments, days, and years with Mike. But the problem now would be that we aren't ready to get married. So we will be dating for a while longer. And that's frustrating too, because I can't change that, and there are a lot of things that I can't do because of that. But I try to be patient, because there is a time for everything, and our time is not right now.
*I had a lot of good conversations with my mom while I was home. Bars and hot tubs are places of deep conversation. And for the first time in my life, my mom and I were able to talk openly about our lives and our past love situations. The most important things we talked about were God and about relationships. I did learn that my parents are in love, but it wasn't by luck.
Also, that love isn't enough, but commitment is.
*Everyone has emotional baggage. It's whether we chose to carry that baggage or deal with it that defines who we are and how we will relate to others.
In the past I have been consumed with the ones that got away, whether because they found someone else, didn't stay or didn't care. To you three I have two words: I'm done. I don't need you anymore. This will be the last shred of communication I try to convey to you. I won't be talking to you again.
Looking back on past experiences makes me realize how fleeting this moment is.
In a few short years I will have forgotten everything about this day, week, month and possibly year.
It just goes to show that someday I won't remember them.
*I was so scared that because of my five year relationship I was no longer me, but had someone else's personality. But when looking at myself, I like who I am. I like who I have become. It's okay to change. It's good to want to be a better person. And there are many qualities in Mike that I admire, and I would love to be influenced by his patience, strength and forgiveness. Though I can never expect my happiness to be dependant on him. That's not his job.
*It can hurt to put all your heart into someone (whether it's a man or God), but it's the only way to have true love, true happiness.
I am the only person in charge of my happiness.
God gave you a person to love so that you could express the love you can't to God toward them. As humans, we express love though physical connection. Hugging, holding, etc. But I am not able to hug God; I am not able to feel his arms around me. So God fulfills that need with a significant other to love and hold.
*I wanted to be on my own. I wanted to be single so I could know who I am. But I found out what it's like to be single, and I know that I don't like it. I don't need to be single. I know who I am. And I know that I am loved.
I have seeds of doubt. But that's all they are.
There are always reasons not to do something. But those reasons should never keep you from what you truly want.
I don't know a lot of things. I don't know who I will be in ten years. I don't know what my career will be. I don't know what life will be like, but that shouldn't stop me from knowing what I want right now.
Anything worth having is worth fighting for.
And the most important thing I learned:
There is a God.
I wasn't sure for a while. Not that I thought that he didn't exist. More that I couldn't feel him. But it became clear that I can hardly hide from God and then blame him for not digging in the dirt to find me. I can't complain that I can't feel him when I refuse to accept the hand that has been outstretched toward me.
For so long I thought God was out there, but that he didn't mess with me and I wouldn't mess with him. I knew he was there, but I didn't care. I wanted to live my life without Him. I wanted to enjoy life without feeling guilty or being deprived of things that I wanted.
But it didn't make me happy. It made me feel worse. But with the help of Mars Hill Church, and after a deep evaluation of myself and a revolution of soul and mind, I can feel Him again. I had forgotten it was like to be able to pray, to feel whole in my heart.
And I can truly say that I have never experienced God this way before. I never understood how God could be the center. I have been a Christian for years. I could tell you the bible almost cover to cover. But for the first time in my life, I see the difference in myself between knowing and understanding.
My eyes are open. I get it now. I don't have my excuses any more. I am a Christian because I want to be happy.
*I feel better about my life. I feel like I've gained the perspective I had lost so many months ago. And I also feel like I am where I belong.
I missed the Tricities after being gone for five months.
I missed Seattle after being gone for a day.
I know this doesn't mean that life will be perfect. It never is. But,
"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain."
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