Monarch's Musings

Plan to be surprised.

2008-01-23T21:53:02Z

When I went home, I was hoping that I would be able to put some things in perspective.
I was hoping to learn something that would change my perspective or show me how to be happy again. Because I had a really tough couple of months and it felt like no matter what I tried, I couldn't be happy.
I broke up with Mike because I knew that I couldn't expect him to make me happy.
I had to figure out how to be happy without him before I could be happy with him.

And so while I was in the Tri-Cities for Christmas break I had a revival. A revival of body, mind, and most importantly, spirit.

So here are the things that I learned while I was at home, and though I was hoping to find out something new about myself and what to do with my life, I was truly surprised by how much I learned.

*Adults are pretty cool. I had a shortage of friends to hang out with while at home, so I ended up going out with my mom, Maria, Keri and others. And it was amazingly fun. Grownups are neat.

*Cookies can be as much fun to bake as to eat.

*I don't have as many friends as I thought I did, but I like the ones I have.

*Parents at high school sports care more about the game than the students. And I didn't know it, but that includes me.

*I have a tendency to not think deep thoughts when I am listening to music. And when I got my IPod a while ago, I began to listen to music whenever I would do menial tasks such as walking, riding the bus, typing and such at work, etc. And because I would listen to music, I wouldn't come up with my own feelings, but rather take those from the songs I listened to and use them as my own thoughts. But I can't rely on other people to decide how I feel and what I want.

*I am not able to know what I'm thinking when I'm not able to write it down. Writing allows me to not only sort my thoughts out, but also to remember them. I should write more.

*My sisters are getting older, which is really scary to me. Jackie is almost the same age I was when I met Mike. And I don't want to sound old fashioned or cliché or any other number of things, but I truly hope that they don't start dating for a few more years. From the viewpoint of someone who started dating someone when barely 16, and continued to date them for over five years, it's just so hard. That is the time of your life when you are trying to figure out who you are, and it makes it twice as hard to do that when you're trying to figure yourself out and figure the other person out while they are trying to find out who they are too. It's frustrating. And unnecessarily so.

But that's not my main reason for discouraging dating early. I have the personal belief that two people should not get married until they are grown up. It's irresponsible to a) get into debt early over a wedding because you can't support yourself, and b) one should know what they want out of life before the pledge it to another person. I can say from experience that I have changed exponentially in the last five years. Does that mean I love Mike less? No, not at all. But we have grown and changed together. But in some cases people change and grow apart, and won't know which will be their case. And sometimes when young people get married, they settle. They settle for the other person, they settle for less education, less life experience of traveling or living in another city or settle for a different life than they are capable of. Some people like a life of little college education and popping out babies, but I think it's selling yourself short when that's the only option you give yourself.

I will say that I have had many wonderful moments, days, and years with Mike. But the problem now would be that we aren't ready to get married. So we will be dating for a while longer. And that's frustrating too, because I can't change that, and there are a lot of things that I can't do because of that. But I try to be patient, because there is a time for everything, and our time is not right now.

*I had a lot of good conversations with my mom while I was home. Bars and hot tubs are places of deep conversation. And for the first time in my life, my mom and I were able to talk openly about our lives and our past love situations. The most important things we talked about were God and about relationships. I did learn that my parents are in love, but it wasn't by luck.

Also, that love isn't enough, but commitment is.

*Everyone has emotional baggage. It's whether we chose to carry that baggage or deal with it that defines who we are and how we will relate to others.

In the past I have been consumed with the ones that got away, whether because they found someone else, didn't stay or didn't care. To you three I have two words: I'm done. I don't need you anymore. This will be the last shred of communication I try to convey to you. I won't be talking to you again.

Looking back on past experiences makes me realize how fleeting this moment is.
In a few short years I will have forgotten everything about this day, week, month and possibly year.
It just goes to show that someday I won't remember them.

*I was so scared that because of my five year relationship I was no longer me, but had someone else's personality. But when looking at myself, I like who I am. I like who I have become. It's okay to change. It's good to want to be a better person. And there are many qualities in Mike that I admire, and I would love to be influenced by his patience, strength and forgiveness. Though I can never expect my happiness to be dependant on him. That's not his job.

*It can hurt to put all your heart into someone (whether it's a man or God), but it's the only way to have true love, true happiness.

I am the only person in charge of my happiness.

God gave you a person to love so that you could express the love you can't to God toward them. As humans, we express love though physical connection. Hugging, holding, etc. But I am not able to hug God; I am not able to feel his arms around me. So God fulfills that need with a significant other to love and hold.

*I wanted to be on my own. I wanted to be single so I could know who I am. But I found out what it's like to be single, and I know that I don't like it. I don't need to be single. I know who I am. And I know that I am loved.

I have seeds of doubt. But that's all they are.

There are always reasons not to do something. But those reasons should never keep you from what you truly want.

I don't know a lot of things. I don't know who I will be in ten years. I don't know what my career will be. I don't know what life will be like, but that shouldn't stop me from knowing what I want right now.

Anything worth having is worth fighting for.

And the most important thing I learned:

There is a God.

I wasn't sure for a while. Not that I thought that he didn't exist. More that I couldn't feel him. But it became clear that I can hardly hide from God and then blame him for not digging in the dirt to find me. I can't complain that I can't feel him when I refuse to accept the hand that has been outstretched toward me.

For so long I thought God was out there, but that he didn't mess with me and I wouldn't mess with him. I knew he was there, but I didn't care. I wanted to live my life without Him. I wanted to enjoy life without feeling guilty or being deprived of things that I wanted.

But it didn't make me happy. It made me feel worse. But with the help of Mars Hill Church, and after a deep evaluation of myself and a revolution of soul and mind, I can feel Him again. I had forgotten it was like to be able to pray, to feel whole in my heart.

And I can truly say that I have never experienced God this way before. I never understood how God could be the center. I have been a Christian for years. I could tell you the bible almost cover to cover. But for the first time in my life, I see the difference in myself between knowing and understanding.

My eyes are open. I get it now. I don't have my excuses any more. I am a Christian because I want to be happy.

*I feel better about my life. I feel like I've gained the perspective I had lost so many months ago. And I also feel like I am where I belong.

I missed the Tricities after being gone for five months.
I missed Seattle after being gone for a day.

I know this doesn't mean that life will be perfect. It never is. But,

"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain."

Posted from other journal

2007-07-16T01:08:51Z

I feel the need to reiterate...

http://only-a-notion.livejournal.com/1377.html

An actual post...

2007-05-11T06:11:04Z

I have a question for you. I'm moving in with my boyfriend of almost five years this summer and I'm kinda worried about it. Has anyone moved in with thier significant other and lived to tell? Did it make the relationship stronger or just point out the flaws that were there already? Any pointers on keeping privacy or sanity?

Yeah.

2007-05-10T21:24:38Z

Ha ha bitch! I'm way kinkier!

It's Official!

2007-01-26T18:23:43Z

I'm Unique! CORRIN COLE

HowManyOfMe.com

There is:
1
person with my name
in the U.S.A.

How many have your name?

monarch_21 @ 2006-11-09T00:50:00

2006-11-09T07:50:48Z

</td>

</a>

Corrin
Location of Death:	Seattle, WA
Date of Death:	11/9/2041 12:41:56 AM
Last Person Called:	Mikel
Last Number Dialed:	(206) 734-982*
Autoposy Performed:	Yes
Date of Autoposy:	11/9/2041 1:41:56 AM
Cause of Death:	Stabbing
See your own death. Or Try this Awsome Game

Okay this is creepy for a couple reasons...the only info I put in was my name and birthday. So the fact that it says I will die in Seattle is creepy, because that's where I live. And the last phone number is a Seattle number. Also, I wanted to name my daughter Mikel. So, yeah. Very weird.

At least I have a while...though the death by stabbing concerns me. As Nick Swardson says, I just don't want to get stabbed. That's much worse than being shot.

Seattle

2006-08-16T07:43:35Z

I leave in a month. I can't believe it. I leave in a month. I am actually going. I have been waiting for the other shoe to drop, for another obstical to get in my way, but so far I will be living in my dream city, going to my dream school. I usually don't hope for the best in the fear that I will be disappointed, but I have been blessed many more times over than I could ever diserve. Mike leaves this Friday, and I will miss him so much, but for the month of September, I will be living in his old house since no one else will be living there, and hopfully he will visit when he can. Which may only be once before I join him, since gas is so much right now. Anyway, I just wanted to get that off my chest. Hurray!

A Writing Exercise

2006-07-24T07:01:56Z

A
Burden
Comes
During
Every
Fleeting
Gesture,
Haunted
In
Just
Knowing
Love
Might
Not
Open
Paradise
Quickly.
Reprehensibly,
She
Thought
Understanding
Vindication
Would
eXeed
Yonder
Zion.

Did you know?

2006-07-05T03:14:31Z

Did you know I’m a Christian? Can you tell?

It is a thin line, between too Christian and not Christian enough. I try not to throw my beliefs in your face, because at the core I feel that people should do what works for them, to follow their own heart. But what does my heart tell me? It tells me that all roads lead back to God. There is no situation that he is not involved in some way. I will not shove God down your throat. If you know me at all, you know that to be true. But if I know you, I see you sad. I see you searching, and it breaks my heart. I want to show you what I have found, but I don’t want to scare you away.

But then again, what kind of impression do I make? Is there something different about me, or am I like everyone else? I drink, smoke, argue, gossip, and cuss. What kind of Christian does that make me? I’ve tried so long to be normal, that I am just like everyone else. But maybe there is something inside me that I am hiding. If I showed it, would you still want to be my friend? Can I still love South Park, Boondock Saints, The Spill Canvas, and still be a Christian? I look at my brother and his Youth Group, and I see how “on fire” they are. I remember when I was that age, and I can still that pull to God. And no matter how sad or scared or lost I feel, at the end of the day, I am still wrapped in peace and warmth. And I am still amazed at such love. I do have a huge problem putting my future in God’s hands, because I am a major control freak, but that is something I am working on. I am by no means where I want to be in my life or in my maturity, but I am still progressing, working toward perfection. I will never make it, but I am trying.

Well, what about you? What does God mean to you? Do I know what you believe? Do we ever talk about God, or our beliefs? What is it in us that brings boys, clothes, jobs and everything else to our lips a thousand times before God enters our minds? Do we party side by side, but don’t know that the other believes in God? Are you ashamed of what you know, or are you still not sure of what you believe?

Are you a Christian? Can I tell?

***********************************************************

I'm not ashamed to let you know
I want this light in me to show
I'm not ashamed to speak the name of Jesus Christ.

What are we sneaking around for?
Who are we trying to please?
Shrugging off sin, apologizing
Like we're spreading some kind of disease
I'm saying "No way. No Way."

I'm not ashamed to let you know
I want this light in me to show
I'm not ashamed to speak the name of Jesus Christ.

This one (said) it's a lost cause
Save your testimonies for churchtime.
Other ones state you'd better wait
Until you do a little market research
I'm saying "No way. No way."

I'm not ashamed to let you know
I want this light in me to show
I'm not ashamed to speak the name of Jesus Christ.

Bad memories and bad memory…

2006-05-15T05:48:50Z

I barely remember him anymore. Two years seems like an eternity, and I hardly remember his face. I remember his laugh, cruel and loud. But I also remember his voice, when he coaxed me into his arms. I remember saying no, and I remember saying yes. I don't remember when we met. I don't remember the last words I said to him. I remember when he said he never cared about me, and I remember laughing. I knew he didn’t love me. He never pretended to.

I remember before, and I remember after. But I don't remember how I felt. I don't remember why I thought I loved him. I don't look at his work, straining for a glimpse of him. I don’t drive by his house, wondering if he is there. I don’t look up, hoping to see his face.

I can't look at him. I can't imagine what I would do if I saw him again. I am not strong enough to deal with it. I need to leave. This town is far too small to think that I will never see him again.

I don't love him. I know that I never really did. And I don't hate him either. I feel nothing but sadness and something that I can't quite remember. Something is missing, and I feel empty. I am missing my innocence. My whole heart, that I can no longer offer as one piece.

If Jared taught me anything, it is that people are hypocrites. He praised God with one side of him mouth, and kissed me with the other side. How could someone who read the bible every night and seemed to be so holy be so very twisted on the inside? But then again, isn’t everyone?

********************************************************************

"Oh Lately It's So Quiet" by OK GO

(Oh no) Oh lately it's so quiet in this place
You're not 'round every corner
(oh no) Oh lately it's so quiet in this place
So darlin' if your not here haunting me
Im wondering...

Whose house, are you haunting tonight?
Aw. Whose sheets you twist
Aw. Whose face you kiss
Whose house, are you haunting tonight?

(oh no) I dont think much about you anymore
You're not on every whisper, oh
(oh no) I dont think much about you
But if you're not lurking behind every curtain
Im wondering...

Whose house, are you haunting tonight?
Aw. Whose name you hiss
Aw. Whose clenching fists
Whose house, are you haunting tonight?

Now Whose house, are you haunting tonight?
Aw. Who cant resist
Aw. Whose cryin'
Whose house, are you haunting tonight?
Aw. Whose name you hiss
Aw. Whose sheets you twist
Whose house, are you haunting tonight?

monarch_21 @ 2006-04-16T15:00:00

2006-05-09T22:16:10Z

It is my own fault. My lonely and miserable self has no one else to blame. I let my soul be shattered, I let my heart be broken. How many times have I pushed God away, ran away, blamed him for my circumstances. But when I look back, oh, how I see the ways he has protected me, twisted my path back toward better. I know I have made bad choices, often willingly, but somehow, for some reason, he has chosen to keep me above water. I chose to blame him for my current burden, instead of thanking him for turning my heart breaking circumstances into hope. And once upon a time I chose to hurt those around me. It was selfish, and it was cruel. But I believe in forgiveness. I believe that God can heal. I am calloused, and I am cynical, but God can heal a broken heart. He can sweetly piece together a shattered soul. He can fill a hollow hole, that nothing else can fit. I know this because somewhere along the way I lost my soul. I turned my back, and put my hope in myself, in friends, in family, in my boyfriend...but people let you down. They are only human. I put my hope in things...games, work, music, love, alcohol smoking...but I wasn't happy. I tried to clutter my like so that I wouldn't notice. But in the quiet moments, right before I fell asleep, I knew. But today, I give up things, and trust him. Today, I am "sweetly broken, wholly surrendered, fully restored."

Yeah...okay

2006-04-15T07:14:26Z

You Have a Phlegmatic Temperament

Mild mannered and laid back, you take life at a slow pace.
You are very consistent - both in emotions and actions.
You tend to absorb set backs easily. You are cool and collected.

It is difficult to offend you. You can remain composed and unemotional.
You are a great friend and lover. You don't demand much of others.
While you are quiet, you have a subtle wit that your friends know well.

At your worst, you are lazy and unwilling to work at anything.
You often get stuck in a rut, without aspirations or dreams.
You can get too dependent on others, setting yourself up for abandonment.

What Temperment Are You?

But I still have the gays...just kidding...

2006-04-15T07:01:32Z

You Are 60% Open Minded

You are a very open minded person, but you're also well grounded.
Tolerant and flexible, you appreciate most lifestyles and viewpoints.
But you also know where you stand firm, and you can draw that line.
You're open to considering every possibility - but in the end, you stand true to yourself.

How Open Minded Are You?

Convenient

2006-04-15T06:55:35Z

You Should Be A Poet

You craft words well, in creative and unexpected ways.
And you have a great talent for evoking beautiful imagery...
Or describing the most intense heartbreak ever.
You're already naturally a poet, even if you've never written a poem.

What Type of Writer Should You Be?

Fuck yeah...anyone wanna go?

2006-04-15T06:41:52Z

You Belong in Paris

You enjoy all that life has to offer, and you can appreciate the fine tastes and sites of Paris.
You're the perfect person to wander the streets of Paris aimlessly, enjoying architecture and a crepe.

What European City Do You Belong In?

So true...any many regrets...

2006-04-15T06:36:56Z

You're A Crazy Drunk

When you drink, you get wrecked - and it ain't pretty.

What Kind of Drunk Are You?

Proof that I am cool

2006-03-19T10:57:24Z

<td align="center">You should have grown up during the twenties

You are cool, sophisticated and hip – even by today’s standards. You like things before they are considered cool, and you like them long afterwards.

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com</td>

This one is for kristen...

2006-03-19T10:50:13Z

<td align="center"> You are Monarch.
(Your alter-ego is Corrin)

Your super-hero ability:

Eat bananas then expel them as nuclear bombs

'What is your superhero ability?' at QuizGalaxy.com</td>

That's why I kick ass!

2006-03-19T10:41:06Z

You will take over Rwanda using only some kickboxing moves you picked up on the street

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

</td>
</table>

Oh My GOSH! It's True!

2006-03-19T10:38:47Z

You will go to jail for:	Starting your own cult which worships beanie babies

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

</td>
</table>

Ha ha! I knew it!

2006-03-19T10:35:17Z

<td align="center">Your hidden talent is writing

Your hidden talent is writing. You have a unique way of viewing the world and are able to express your thoughts eloquently on the page. Some people might think that you are weird, but you are just the next Pulitzer prize winner.

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com</td>

so true...

2006-03-10T05:54:25Z

<td align="center"> Corrin --
[noun]:

A person who laughs at anything (even this entry)

'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com</td>

Well I coulda told you that...

2006-03-10T05:38:22Z

Kindness

Kindness is most important in a boyfriend/girlfriend. You want someone who will go through everything with you - the best moments and the worst, and all of those other moments in between. You love to be able to say anything to your partner, and have them say anything to you. You are able to be extremely close with your partner for that reason.

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

Why does this not surprise me?

2006-03-10T03:06:14Z

<td align="center">

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com</td>

monarch_21 @ 2006-03-06T23:13:00

2006-03-07T21:22:24Z

How does one know when they are truly happy? I keep thinking that the next stage of my life will make me happy, but nothing changes. I sometimes think that it gets worse. I thought that college would make me happy. It didn't. Then I thought that having a full time job after college would make me happy. That didn't either. Now I am banking all my happiness on moving away and starting a new life. What if that doesn't work? What is there left? Marriage? Kids? I can't have those things expecting them to make me happy. If they don't, that isn't fair to my future husband and children.

My whole life revolves around getting away from here. There is nothing left for me here. I just feel so empty. I try to stay busy, but any time that I stop for a moment, the boredom starts to suffocate me. All I want to do is drink and smoke and not feel anything anymore. Hannah, if you read this, expect a call from me soon.

**************************************************************************

this must be it
welcome to the new year
the drinks were consumed
the plants were destroyed and the hors d'oeuvres
dismantled
i'm not smiling behind this fake veneer
i am often interrupted or completely ignored
but most of all i'm bored
i'm trying to find out if my words have any meaning
lackluster and full of contempts when it always ends
the same
why won't you listen to me
why did i come
oh why did i come here
these humans all suck
i'd rather be home feeling violent and lonely
i'm not trying to sound so insincere
but the postcard that's taped to the freezer reads
"wish you were here"
how i wish i could disappear
i'm trying to find out if my words have any meaning
lackluster and full of contempts and it always ends
the same
heads up
damage control
there's a ring around her finger
last chance for changing lanes and you missed it by a
mile
why won't you listen to me
this must be it
welcome to the new year